We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
