and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
