It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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