Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Vodka?
Forever.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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