dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
