the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
