We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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