Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
