I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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