No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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