I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
