I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
