Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
