he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
