you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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