I want to make a zoo with you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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