I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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