I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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