If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he fucked my hip out of place.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
