You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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