I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
