Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
