i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
