fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
