My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
