Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
