How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
