Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
