Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
