Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
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