dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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