My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
