I think my vagina is haunted
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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