Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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