Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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