Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
