**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
