Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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