Your face is a jimmy john
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
