It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
you had me at cake vodka
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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