note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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