u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It's never too late to be topless.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
