I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Let's get the cat blown out
he just fucked me for my cheese.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
