Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
