The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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