She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
there is glitter all over my balls
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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