Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's official drugs can't kill me
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
