Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
