Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
