She announced her abortion via fbk
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
