Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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