i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
