I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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