I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
