May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize