Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
