This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Randomize
